Since I was little I always loved the Bond movies, or movies with a charismatic villain. While other kids wanted to be an astronaut when they grow up I was a little weird and wanted to be an assassin. While I got rid of my man slaughtering and murdering thoughts, well, most of the time, I still am fascinated with evil people.Since evil people tend to be outlaws and I´m a socialholic, I think I will simply stick with the image of an evil mastermind but maintain pleasant thoughts. What do I need for the evil image?
Dark and body hugging outfits. Check.
German, or Russian citizenship? Check.
1920´s haircut with the split on the side? Check.
Very pale skin from never going out into the sun? Check.
An obsession with electronic gadgets? Check
No conscience whatsoever, Check.
Mandatory evil pet? DANG!
I need an evil pet, but what kind of pet should I get? I don´t mind having a pet that someone else already has, but I can´t decide what I want. Do I want a white Persian cat like Bloefeld in the Bond movies had? I like the idea and I like cats, the only problem is that these things are H(air)-bombs. I don´t want to pay someone who constantly has to roll me with one of these 3M sticky thingies trying to get rid of all the hair stuck to my custom made suit.
Maybe I should get some Sharks like Carl Stromberg in The Spy Who Loved Me. I like sharks, they are sleek, have a nice colour, so they will match my sofa and drapes, and they are vicious if they sense blood. On the other hand, sharks take away lots of room, are absolutely not good for your water and butchers bill and you can´t cuddle with them very well. Maybe once, but that´s it.
Maybe a set of Dobermans like Hugo drax in Monnraker. I am not the dog person to start with, but Dobermans seem to be fine. I hate happy dogs like retrievers, they are always so happy and bouncy it´s annoying. I want a dog that is veeeeeery awake, looks good, is slim and fast.
I´m not sure about the dogs though, I don´t see myself going on a wee wee walk at six in the morning during a hailstorm. Don´t get me started on those little black plastic bags you need to pick up...
Piranhas, same problem as with sharks. Tigers, nice but kind of gay. Damm you Siegfried and Roy ( Michael Jackson´s Siegfried and Roy song is playing in my head for hours and hours to come, Arrgh) A Mini Me, hm, even in a smaller size, is a copy of myself unbearable. An evil peacock could be fun, but the screaming and all the colours would lead to that thing being dinner pretty fast, I am sure.
The longer I think about it, the more I think I will never find something that suits my needs perfectly. Maybe I should just get an AIBO glue some devil´s horns on its head and am good to go. You Don´t have to feed it, it just needs some time on the charger every now and then, I can mute the thing if it´s too noisy, it´s a wonderful spy due to the build in web cam, mobility and wifi capabality. Best thing though is that I can switch it off.
3 comments:
What about a very evil bird? Nope, the inevitable bird poop will clash with your suit. Ooooh. What about an evil lizard, like a chameleon?
Actually, following on from bossyboots, I'd recommend an iguana. They can be pretty bad-ass.
My evil (and slightly leaky) cat Grace would like to volunteer as your pet (You can always change her name, if it doesn't sound evil enough). She does lose lots of fur, but it's way shorter than a Persian's, so it wouldn't be quite as obvious and that person you were going to pay to roll you with that 3M sticky thingy would have slightly less to do.
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